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SUE: Alright everybody, listen up! When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing.
WILL: That’s called a piano, Sue.
SAM: This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun. It’s my James Earl Jones impression.
SANTANA: First of all that is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.
SAM: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
SANTANA: Okay, you know what? Let’s just cut to the chase. Despite the fact that your mouth to face ratio is way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step close to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants on them froggy lips and I wants on ‘em now.
SAM: But I’m dating Quinn.
SANTANA: And this just in, she cheated on you.
SAM: No she didn’t.
SANTANA: Look, I know you’re as dumb as a bag of wet hair but you know in your heart she’s lying. That gumball story was insane. You’re choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.
SANTANA: Hmm. Sammy Evans. You are Bieberlicious. How are things going with you and Quinn?
SAM: Fine.
SANTANA: No they’re not. You and I should… talk soon.
